This is the time of year when everyone either looks backward to review the previous year, or forward to preview the new one.
But I like to be different.
So, I’m going to review the upcoming year instead. How can I do that? Magic. Pure, straight up, no questions asked magic.
Also, a giant load of bull. So, here’s the 2014 Storage Year Ahead in Review.
Giant snowstorms in Buffalo, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, and Detroit show the importance of getting climate controlled storage in some areas of the country. A giant ice storm in across the Northwest and Great Plains shows the same thing. Temperatures in San Diego dropping below 60 degrees is just confusing.
Theodore Sampson, Jr., co-manager of A Storage Inn outside of St. Louis, is again frustrated by his birthday. Since he was born on February 29, 1976, his mother refuses to give him any birthday gifts – or even to call him – unless it’s actually February 29. Though he knows that he’s 38 years old, deep down he wonders if his mom is right… maybe he really is still eight…
A new tradition is accidentally begun in Chicago. Each year, they dye the Chicago River green for St. Patrick’s Day, but the truckload of green dye for the River collided with the truckload of orange paint for the new exterior facade of the Metro Self Storage Facility. The collision on the LaSalle Street Bridge led to an atrocious blending of colors in the river that reminded many of the colors of 1970s era shag carpeting. The new tradition is that the dye will be carried by train forever more.
A cold front following a warm front following a cold front over Kansas led to a tornado breakdown unlike anything seen for generations. Amazingly, no one was hurt, although police in Kansas are considering opening an investigation after a young girl woke up and described a haunting experience involving three grown men dressed in costume leading her to a man behind a curtain. The girl and her dog were unharmed, at least physically. Mentally, though…
Ted Cruz, Paul Ryan, Michelle Bachmann, and John Boehner got together and declared that they would only follow President Ronald Reagan, regardless of the fact that he left office in 1989, or the fact that the Constitution prohibits serving more than two terms, or the fact that Reagan died in 2004. Boehner embarrassed Ohio’s 8th District and the GOP by crying whenever Cruz said the word “Reagan.” Ryan and Bachmann hired Rob Portman to make Boehner disappear. Portman, however, refused to be a part of the scheme, so Bachmann called Rob Ford, figuring that a Rob was a Rob was a Rob. Ford, for once, was predictable, and the ruse was uncovered when he stopped at every corner announcing, “My name is Rob Ford, and I’m the best damn mayor Toronto has ever had! I demand crack cocaine!” When they were pulled over, about six minutes into the drive, Boehner was discovered in the trunk of the car, bright orange and crying.
The Cubs are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, sending a wave of apathy across Wrigleyville for the 106th straight year. Later in the month, the Astros are also eliminated, but no one in Houston even notices, including several players and coaches, as well as the manager. The St. Louis Browns are discovered cowering in the back corner of a storage locker at the corner of Grand and Dodier, hiding from the Senators and wondering what the hell Twins have to do with baseball. Not surprisingly, they too are eliminated from the postseason.
Nothing happens in Miami. Frankly, it’s too hot. Nothing happens in August, either, really. Because… I mean… it’s just freakin’ hot. Climate controlled storage seem optional to you? Seriously? I mean… come on now… I’m sweating just thinking about it, and there are four inches of snow on the ground just a few feet from me. (Ok, a few feet to my right, through the wall, and down about fifteen feet, but it’s still snow, amiright?)
Franklin P. Solinquester attempted to become the first man to unicycle from San Diego to Cleveland. He started at the beach at LaJolla before realizing that he couldn’t think of a single good reason to leave Southern California for Cleveland. Not a single one. He spent the rest of the day SCUBA diving and marveling at the incredible scenery around him, both natural and human. At the end of the day, he returned to his home in a beautifully maintained 10 X 5 locker – the nicest “apartment” he could afford in LaJolla as a professional unicyclist.
It’s time to start class at colleges all over America! Storage lockers from Portland to Portland are emptied and dormitories are filled while storage facility managers start focusing on the important things: annual maintenance on their facilities, restocking locks and boxes, and finding a way to bolster their fantasy football team’s running game before the weekend.
October, of course, means playoff baseball! Except on Chicago’s North Side, where October means bratwursts. Nothing major happened in the storage world this month. What was important was watching the Cardinals defeat the Tigers in 6 games in the World Series.
A turkey named Samuel regrets turning down an offer from his cousin Joel. Joel said, “let’s go backpack Europe for a year,” and Samuel was all like, “no, no, no… I’ve got a life here… I can’t just pack up and go….” Samuel, by the way, was delicious.
Baseball fans in Houston taunt a group of Cubs fans in a bar. A brawl nearly broke out. Luckily, though, the bartender was from St. Louis and informed them that the season ended months ago and that the Astros and Cubs combined to win six games fewer than the Cardinals. After the Cubs fans went home, they demanded to see the 1908 World Series trophy, and were informed that the Tribune Company had it buried with Ernie Banks. When the fans pointed out that Banks was still alive and well, the Ricketts family admitted that they had stored the trophy in a small locker outside Joliet to protect it, but that the unit had been auctioned off when the family of billionaires forgot to pay the $31 per month rent for more than six months.
Trust me. I’m a doctor. Well, I’m a teacher, but… just forget it. Happy New Year!