I’m in a bit of a conundrum in that my vacuum has decided to quit working as hard as it used to work for me. While I have a new dustbuster that I can use for the tile, that does nothing for the carpet! Any suggestions for how I can kind get my vacuum back to the way it once was?
A: I’m very into vacuuming and celebrate “Swiffer Sunday” weekly, so I understand your frustrations. I suggest you focus on communication between you and said rebel vacuum, perhaps try and pep it up a bit by reciting the following motivational speech:
Hey there bagless buddy!
There’s been a little bit of concern about your performance of late. Maybe it’s because you’re a bit confused as to what this job description entails, so let’s have a little refresher.
No, don’t roll away! That’s not an attack on your character! I mean that your job is simply to suck.
The endless hair shed on the carpet? The wayward grains of rice I spilled on the floor? You get the honor of scratching my OCD itch and sucking that crap up! Oh yes. You, my friend, have that “thing” that can do it for me.
What is that “thing”? That “thing” is power!
Because in spite of what you’ve heard, power does matter, and the second that I plug you into the wall we’re plugging into performance! Together we can focus on results and achieve the breakthroughs that will launch us into the realm of clean carpets and dirt-free floors!
That’s a little dramatic, I admit, but my point is that you can be special.
You can suck better than any other vacuum in this house. Well, except for the new dustbuster a fraction your size that could suck up the couch if I tried.
But you know what that dustbuster doesn’t have? A light on the front in case we need to vacuum at night. Light the way! It’s time to show that dustbuster who’s boss, and who sucks the most in this house!
So rise up and grab that rogue string I’ve run over 235 times instead of bending over myself to pick up. Run with it!
Because that string wants to come off of the floor, but it needs you to help it because it’s a string and a string cannot move on its own.
So tighten that new belt I bought you, spin those shiny wheels and get back to doing what it is you do best—you suck.
Let’s try and keep it that way.
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