Babies need stuff. Lots and lots of stuff.
From cribs to strollers to tricked out containment orbs of safety and entertainment (I’m looking at you, exersaucer), you can tell a lot about the parents of said babies by the choices they make for their cherubs. With one glance, you can tell if a parent is uber trendy, a hipster, indifferent or the most prepared parent EVURRRR.
One of the easiest ways to judge a parent and their parenting style is their diaper bag selection. Don’t look at me that way: we all judge and you know it. The diaper bag is the must have accessory for schlepping baby paraphernalia to play dates, baby gym, germ infested fast food playgrounds, and Mommy and Me Swimming With Dolphins classes. Babies need STUFF. And parents need to schlep and display their parenting choices openly.
1). Fashion Forward Diva:
Bag type: EXPENSIVE. If the designer doesn’t have a vowel at the end of their name, it ain’t fancy enough for this mom. Celebrities have been on waiting lists for months to sport this bag but THIS mom has the IT bag NOW. This bag has more leather than a cowhide factory and the mom worries more about grass stains on this puppy than she does about her cherub on the monkey bars.
What It Contains: Organic snacks, an iPad for each child (who wants to listen to bickering??) and the Nanny’s phone number on speed dial.
2). Boy Scout Mom
Bag Type: HUGE. With pockets for EVERYTHING. In fact, often times, this bag is a backpack that rivals the size of packs used by hikers on the Appalachian Trail. This mom is prepared for any emergency, change in plans or toddler whim.
What It Contains: Enough snacks for three days (and plenty for sharing with new friends on the playground!), 17 diapers, an economy size box of diaper wipes and a change of clothes for everyone (including mom…kids are messy!).
3). The In Denial Mom
Bag Type: NONEXISTENT. This mom has not come to terms that babies need stuff EVERYWHERE SHE GOES. She’s the mom on the playground bumming tissues, bandaids and extra crayons because she just can’t bring herself to schlep what her cherub needs. One too many messy diaper mishaps and The In Denial Mom usually becomes a Boy Scout Mom.
What It Contains: Wait. I need to bring juice boxes to the playground?
4). The I’m A Cool Dad Bag
Bag Type: MAN SATCHEL. Because dudes don’t carry diaper bags. It must be leather, it must be brown, it must be discreet. First rule of Cool Dad Club is that you be manly about bringing princess dresses to playgroup.
What It Contains: Dude stuff, a juice box, a princess dress and a laptop for work.
5). The Hippie Parent
Bag Type: ARMY SURPLUS. This parent is free and easy, baby. They went to Woodstock, man. Okay not the REAL Woodstock but they totally went to the mud bath Woodstock of the 90s. They are groovy, they are earthy and they make love, not war, dude.
What It Contains: Organic snacks grown in the back yard, homemade granola, cloth diapers and beeswax lip balm.
6). The Prepster
Bag Type: ANY BAG FROM LL BEAN. This mom is a popped collar, Izod wearing, khaki pant lover. She favors green and pink and likes Pottery Barn. A lot. Most often seen in Maine.
What It Contains: The latest edition of the Preppy Handbook, understated Coach wallet and snacks from Stonewall Kitchen in Williams Sonoma containers.
7). The This Is My Last Kid Mom
Bag Type: ANY OF THE ABOVE BAGS, OUTDATED BY SEVEN YEARS. This mom is the most easily spotted because her diaper bag is falling apart, secured with duct tape and most likely has a Disney character on it. She’s long stopped caring about the designer with a vowel and just wants to get that last kid into kindergarten. And, she paid so damned much for that designer bag, she can’t afford to replace it. Because braces.
What It Contains: Snacks from three years ago, brochures from the amusement park trip last summer and a People magazine she swiped from the dentist’s office last month.
So, tell me, did I get it right? Which Diaper Bag Personality Are YOU?