As a new father myself, I watched the Royal Baby hoopla with significant boredom. In my mind, the thought of Prince William becoming a father was greeted with a satisfying yawn. And I remained that way for several months.
Now, let me be clear: I’ve always been excited when friends or colleagues have babies. Because these are people who I know.
But then, I started to think about all the weird gifts that are out there for babies. I know that my wife and I were pretty careful not to register for some of the junk that’s out there. I also know that the Cambridges have a far larger group of potential gift givers than we do, so I would imagine that they’re going to be getting way more weird gifts than we did.
But what to do with these gifts? I’m sure that the royals have an abundance of closet space, garages, and empty castles lying around, but who wants to go through the hassle of adding an exterior entrance to a 14th century dungeon? No, this calls for a self-storage unit. Now, when we say “self,” we don’t mean that they have to actually go to the unit themselves. They are more than welcome to send a butler or an earl or someone. But the real question is this: what should be in the royal storage unit?
After scouring the internet for the gifts that I’m glad that I didn’t receive, I think I have a good list of some products that the royals won’t mind tucking behind the big orange door.
1. The Baby Mop
I want to start by pointing out that each of these products actually exists. The Baby Mop is produced by a company called betterthanpants.com, and it’s available for boys and girls, as well as neutral. I didn’t see pictures of the girl or neutral version, and decided that I had already spent enough time digging around a site that promises to turn my child into a roomba. Why will this make it into royal storage? When was the last time William or Kate mopped a room? I’m going to guess that they have people for that. Plus, can you imagine in 50 years hearing about how the newly crowned King of the United Kingdom and the other Commonwealth Realms was once a sponge?
2. The Babykeeper
Finally! I’ve been looking for a convenient way to forget my daughter in a public bathroom! And for only $39.99? Forty dollars must really be the sweet spot for crazy.
It also seems important to note that hanging your child on the stall divider in a bathroom is a terrible idea. This is definitely on a direct line to the ol’ storage unit.
3. Bugaboo Donkey Mono All Black Special Edition
This probably doesn’t belong to be on the list. This stroller is basically that guy you know who always got good grades, got along great with everyone, lettered in three sports in high school, and gives sick kids rides in his Ferrari to cheer them up. It’s great.
So why did I include it here? First, let’s talk about what it does. It’s a stroller where you can either have the baby in a bassinet or a reclinable seat. It also has storage for shopping days, and what appears to be a cooler of some sort. It also converts to a two seater for when the next little Cambridge comes along. Granted, you have to buy a $255 expansion pack to make that happen. Want a cupholder? No problem. I mean… it’s going to cost you, but sure. That cupholder will be $24.95. Mosquito netting? $14.95. Sweat wicking seat liner (for your infant)? $59.95. Umbrella? $39.95.
If you’re starting to think that this stroller made the list because of it’s cost, you’re on the wrong track. This stroller costs $1,279, but that’s not a big deal when your family is worth nearly $1 billion and controls more than $10 billion worth of property and assets.
Here’s the real reason this stroller made the list. Look back to the name of the stroller. It’s called the Donkey. Enough said.
4. The Original Breeze Baby Butt Fan
I think that a single quote from the company’s website explains every parent’s thought about this product exactly halfway, then takes a turn the other way:
I’ve tried other fans, but have never felt safe putting exposed blades near my baby. This design really gives me piece of mind.
First of all, it’s “peace of mind,” not “piece of mind.” I think it’s important when buying a butt fan that the company knows how to spell things.
Second of all, putting exposed blades near a baby is obviously stupid. But what’s the point of having blades near the baby at all?
Diaper rash avoidance.
Here’s a thought: buy Desitin like the rest of us and put the fan someplace where no one will know that you own it. You may be trendsetters, but even you can’t make this cool.
5. The Peekaru
Please, please, please… someone buy a Peekaru for the royal baby. I know that they’ve been bought by Boba and they aren’t being made exactly this way anymore, but please… someone must have a new one in their basement or storage unit somewhere. Who doesn’t want to see a picture of Kate and William visiting military bases and school libraries with George bursting out of Kate’s Peekaru like that scene from Alien (or Spaceballs, if you prefer)?
I know that this was supposed to be things that should be in the royal family’s storage unit, but… this is just too perfect to hide away, right?
What other products are “great” for the royal baby’s storage unit? Let me know in the comments below.
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