I spend a lot of time thinking about self-storage units. Probably a lot more time than your standard 30-year-old History teacher thinks about it, really. And most of that time is spent trying to find and explain new ways to utilize storage lockers. Which leads me to a lot of really bad ideas.
Those are the ideas that I would like to share today. That’s right… it’s time for the 6 Worst Things to Store.
(Legal: OSSD expressly does NOT condone or encourage any of the following uses or activities.)
(The Rest of Us: We do find that a good laugh is healthy, so we’re happy to let you laugh at the ideas.)
(Legal: The ideas, of course, that are terrible.)
(The Rest of Us: And funny.)
(Legal: Just downright bad.)
Enough internal dialogue between the legal and juvenile departments. To the list!
If I don’t start with this one, you’re just going to be wondering about it the whole time, so here it is. We here at OSSD would like to strongly discourage you from killing people and storing their bodies in storage lockers. Not in crates, vats of acid, the trunk of a car, in a body bag, or in a duffle bag. This is something that our founder has been very clear on: OSSD does not condone killing people and storing their bodies in conveniently located, but easily overlooked storage facilities.
Even if you’re using the name of your first college roommate, the jerk.
It has often been tempting for me to rent a storage locker so that I can have one of those rooms like in The Boondock Saints where I can just walk in and have access to any gun or weapon that I need. Then, I remember that I get queasy if I have to point the remote control near someone and I snap back to reality. The fact that I don’t actually own any guns, bombs, or weapons of any sort (baseball bats and tennis rackets excluded) doesn’t change the most important fact: you can’t keep explosives in a storage unit. It’s a danger to everyone and everything around the unit, and it’s against the terms of your lease in almost every case. You’ll just have to store the fireworks in the garage next to the oily rags like the rest of us.
DARE didn’t work for you? I understand that some people have drug problems. I myself have a cousin with a fairly severe Dr. Pepper addiction, and I went on a date once with a girl who would get all twitchy without a regular dose of lip gloss, so I understand what you’re going through. That doesn’t excuse you, however, from following the law. Cocaine is illegal, therefore, you can’t store it. Heroin is illegal, therefore, you can’t store it. So, now you’re going to argue that marijuana is legal some places, so you should be able to store it? Ok, so maybe that’s ok, but who wants to smoke pot that’s been stored away somewhere? No one, that’s who.
Remember what Nancy Reagan said: Just Say No!
Ancient Egyptian Mummies
This one seems like a corollary to the first one. It seems like the prohibition on storing dead bodies would take care of this one. But, as you know if you’ve been following the news lately, there’s been a recent spike in Ancient Egyptian Mummies bursting free from storage lockers and terrorizing the townspeople, requiring Harrison Ford to … I’m being told that I may have misunderstood some recent things that I’ve seen on TV. Regardless, though, I would strongly suggest some sort of ice chest for those guys. I’ve never had to deal with one, but I guess that they get mighty stinky left unchilled.
This one goes without saying, but I’ll break it down for you step by step, just to be sure:
If you store the antidote in your storage locker, you’ll inevitably forget it when it’s time to unleash your evil plot upon the people of [Gotham / New New York / Lilliput / Narnia / Quahog / Sacramento].
Then, you’ll have the [police chief / mayor / superhero’s girlfriend / business tycoon’s mistress] tied up and poisoned, and you’ll [twirl your mustache / laugh maniacally / whip your cape in front of your face / smack your goon on the back of the head] and declare, “Give me what I want, and I’ll give you the antidote! Otherwise, you have only five minutes before the poison… oh damn. You know… it turns out that I may have forgotten something… ha… hahah… yeah… so… we’ll eventually laugh about this, right? Right?”
But they don’t answer. Why? Is it because you’ve forgotten the antidote and they died? Maybe. But it’s also because you used fake plastic handcuffs and escaped when you turned your back.
By the way, you should not have poisoned both glasses.
A Champagne Supernova
First of all, no one knows what the hell a champagne supernova is. Are we talking about some sort of alcoholic stellar explosion? Because that sounds awesome. But not something to keep in a 5 X 5 room. Or even a larger climate controlled locker. I don’t care if you have weekend access or not. It’s just not a good idea to keep something as dangerous as exploding liquor stars in an enclosed area.
Ah, the mistakes people make. So, you probably shouldn’t store this stuff. It’s bad form. It’s dangerous. It’s… look…just don’t do it.
What did I miss? Let me know in the comments.
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